Christmas Tree Stories

Today is the infamous Tree Lighting Ceremony in Old Naples and it happens directly below the office where Kathy and I have worked for several years. We always have a small gathering to observe the ceremony, which lasts approximately 3 seconds! Actually, there are numerous events going on around the tree lighting itself; bands, choirs, Lois Tomey with Wink News and 30,000 Naplites in attendance. This reminds me of some true Christmas Tree stories of my life.

Let's start with the oldest and move forward. These are all absolutely true.

Year 1 - We bought a Christmas Tree in Indiana and the base was a bit too big for the Christmas Tree Stand; you know, the one with the ring and three big-ass thumbscrews that are supposed to hold it in place. Also, this tree had very low hanging branches that were totally in the way of getting the tree into the stand. I decided I could trim off the bottom branches and shave off some of the bottom to fit into the stand. About 45 minutes later, my 7 foot birch tree was about 5 feet 4 inches and everyone was upset with how bare the bottom of the tree was. Joy to the world.

Year 2 - We bought an excellent "live" Christmas Tree, got it home and appropriately in the same stand as last year. The circumference of this tree bottom was a lot less than last year's tree and I only trimmed branches as requested by the family. We hoisted the tree into the stand, screwed in the thumbscrews and put water in the base. Once we covered the base with the tree rug, the girls began to decorate the tree. About two hours later, the tree was completely decorated and plugged in. About three minutes after we finished, the tree fell completely over into the living room. I don't know how many bulbs and priceless ornaments were destroyed, but we cleaned up glass chips for a few weeks. We couldn't for the life of us get this tree to stand up on its own. I eventually rigged a wire from the ceiling to the middle of the tree that allowed it to stand proudly. The angel had to share a little bit of her space with the wire, but I don't think she minded much. Redecorating a tree isn't half as much fun as decorating one.

Year 3 - We took all of the children to a Christmas Tree Farm and physically cut down our own tree. This was truly fun and the children had a great time and left with excellent memories. We stowed the tree on top of the car and brought it home. It was freezing cold. All the family went inside and I told them I would bring the tree around to the back in a minute. I pulled the tree off the car and dragged it through the yard to the back door without a hitch. I was determined to have a great tree decorating ceremony this year without tragedy. So far, I was totally stoked with success! We pulled the tree inside and put it in our NEW CHRISTMAS TREE STAND, complete with a fall over guarantee! The tree fit perfectly and was in place in record time. The girls began the delicate task of placing a few less ornaments on the tree than last year (not out of choice,) but things were going very, very smoothly until someone said, "What's that smell?" Then, we all began smelling what certainly had the distinct odor of freshly thawed dog poop. Everybody checked their shoes and found nothing. The smell was strongest around the tree. On the back of the tree, from the base to near the tip, on many, many branches was dog poop. When I dragged it through the yard, I must have stirred up some recently deposited and nearly frozen dog poop from one of our two dogs. Only when it started thawing did we recognize the issue. Down came the tree in year three. It was about two hours later before we had it completely washed off and ready for redress.

Year 4 - The tree we bought this year was the most expensive, but most beautiful tree we had ever seen! We brought it home, put it in its stand and began to decorate it when my wife noticed that many needles were falling from the tree. More were falling on this, the first day of our tree, than had fallen on the last day of the previous three years trees. Upon closer inspection, we noticed that the tree's spectacular green hue was not actually the hue of the tree itself, but of a beautiful pine green spray paint! We snipped a branch, took it back to the vendor and wanted to know if we could get a refund. The answer was, "No, we spray all of our trees green." This was the last year we bought a tree from them and, I haven't seen them in the area since.

Year 5 - We bought a relatively affordable tree this year and I was totally pleased with the height and shape of the tree compared to last year's most expensive one. We didn't realize until we brought it home that it was a prickly pine tree and was nearly impossible to decorate without drawing blood. We got through it though and looked forward to next year when we were going to purchase our very first totally fake Christmas Tree!

Bless you all and I hope you have a delightful, fun filled holiday season.

D